Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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