Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
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