i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
