I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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