You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
