I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize