Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Send help, water and tortillas.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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