I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
