My underwear smells like fireworks.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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