i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
