woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
