I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
