When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
