Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
