I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
