If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Randomize
