I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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