between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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