Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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