before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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