btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
