i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
