paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.