true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts