I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Too much gin, very little bucket
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.