I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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