My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Text me some of your sweat
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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