so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize