3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick