I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
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Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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