Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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