Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
