my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
