id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
