Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Is it penis luge time yet?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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