Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
