The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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