he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
