drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
