Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
