Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
