wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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