Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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