I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
