my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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