My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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