I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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