Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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