I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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