Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
