Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
