Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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