Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
