my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i came on her dog
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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