Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
