woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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