Dude my mom stole all your condoms
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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