She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
