Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
